Assuming gender in this society, and how it has created my dysphoria

I have been recently struggling with dysphoria beyond what I've ever dealt with before. It goes deeper than just dysphoria, to a point where I don't feel even remotely attractive, even though I know that I am objectively so. 

The fact remains that the only thing I'd change about my body is the ability to change it at will. Since that is obviously not possible, there is nothing I'd want to change permanently. So why the extreme dysphoria and feelings of unattractiveness? 

A question I have been asking myself for the past couple of weeks, and have been trying to find the answer to. 

I think I finally got it, the answer I've been looking for. It's complicated, painful, and fundamentally intertwined with how society outside of those who know me, views me and my gender. 

As all you on here know, I am nonbinary genderfluid, but thought for the majority of my life that I was a girl. My experience growing up as an AFAB person was a little different though. Feminity meant, in my earliest years, head coverings, long skirts, and submission. In my preteens it meant not showing my shoulders, learning to care for children, cooking meals, constantly being "modest". Never in my life did femininity mean makeup, or jewelry, or anything that was attention drawing.

Last year, I started wearing makeup, and exploring my self expression. I discovered that while how I usually present would be considered traditionally "feminine", it didn't feel particularly feminine to me. It felt like me, and who I was (and am) is an ever-shifting and flowing nongender that is at once both masculine and feminine, and something beyond either of those. It is simultaneously neither masculine nor feminine, and can shift between extremes in a matter of minutes.

I don't subscribe to the idea of gendered bodies. To say that gender is synonymous with; to name a few of the things I see commonly named when the topic of trans people and their rights to live are disputed: genitals, organs, hormones, DNA, breast tissue, or fat distribution; is an idea that is so ridiculously scientifically outdated that I have to laugh whenever I see it, while also screaming and facepalming.

I guess I never really dealt with dysphoria before because I was mostly alone in quarantine, or hanging out (masked and outdoors) with people who saw who I am. 

The occasional "She" or "Her" or "Ma'am" didn't bother me that much, because they were so few and far between. The euphoria of the "Fae" and "Faer" that I heard used by those closest to me overshadowed the rare misgendering. 

I'd get misgendered online sometimes, but again, it was overshadowed by all of the support and affirmation I was receiving. 

It was when I got my vaccine, and started venturing into the world again that I began to notice the way I was treated everywhere. Nothing had changed. Though I had changed a lot over the last year, I still fit society's view of what is "feminine". 

I am still seen by the majority of the world as a cis woman. 

The things that used to bring me happiness and to affirm my gender, now serve as reminders of how many see me as a girl. 

I knew before, of course, how "feminine" my self expression can be, but I never felt it. I knew it in theory, but didn't KNOW it. Now I feel it, and being who I am brings me reminders of how I am seen, and brings back my fears that I am not "trans enough". That I am still, somehow, a girl, even though I know I'm not. That I'm "pretending". That this intense satisfaction I have gained from finally being myself is somehow fake. It brings me reminders of just how much of the world sees me as a woman. It doesn't matter so much anymore how I see myself, because everything else is louder.

So I get dysphoria, depression, and a hatred for a body I actually love. It has me avoiding wearing a skirt, even though I want to. Not putting on makeup, despite wanting to and the fact that doing makeup usually makes me feel a little happier. It has me finding fault with my vulva, breasts, hips, thighs, and collarbones, despite loving them, because others see them or believe them to be there, and think "girl". It has me trying to talk in my deeper range, because my high voice makes most people call me a "her". 

And it makes the everyday interactions where I get misgendered, or the times when someone I just came out to slips up, cut a million times deeper.