Creativity and weird fears

That elusive thing, motivation

that slippery thing, inspiration.

So much I want to do

but right now these two

cannot be found, cannot be caught

leaving me there to doubt

that I ever can do anything...

I lost my creative wings

somewhere, somehow.

There is so much I want to do

so much I wanna draw and write

but it seems I am unable to find

that switch to turn on the light.

I want to go on adventures

but sometimes I can't even find

that door to my own room.

Maybe if i could let go

of that deep-down hidden fear

that what I create, 

others might hate.

If I could free myself of 

the fear of some failure,

the fear that I will be unable

to finish the project I started,

unable to create what was

in my mind's eye, 

I could find my freedom and fly.

I feel so trapped right now

I just wanna run away

away into the wilderness,

away into the woods.

I can't, but I'm trapping myself.

Trapping myself with 

consistent plans, 

consistent commitment

to someone to be somewhere

at some certain time.

trapping myself more than

I ever was already trapped.

Which I already was,

in a way, always have been.

I'm not afraid of heights or death,

my fears are different, 

I'm afraid of failing myself

afraid of becoming trapped,

of losing any bit of freedom I've got.

Afraid of someone hating

something I put my soul into

to maybe bring others joy.

Afraid that life will become 

too consistent, never new, boring.

I don't want to live it.

But having these fears

makes what I fear come to life

an endless battle with myself

just to keep the will to stay alive.

How do I break free?

How do I break the endless cycle

of the fear of the feared 

causing the feared?

I don't know, I'll try to conquer 

each fear each day.

But it's tiring, it's draining

so very enormously hard.

I hope it'll be worth it

I'll look back and be glad

that I persevered

and conquered the feared.